I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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