i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize