he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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