I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
