I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
