best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
