The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
