Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
