The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
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She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
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You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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