On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
