I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
