Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
