he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
