You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
