We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
