Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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