Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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