i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
