You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
