tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
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Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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