I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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