sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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