I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
