Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
