chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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