Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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