oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
