when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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