Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
