All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
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I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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