why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
