hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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