Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
True strength comes from lack of pants
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