it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
