Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
