I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
