tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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