This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
