and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Randomize
