Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
where am i from again
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
