I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
