I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
