i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
