We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Less talking, more tequila
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
