Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
