"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
