So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
