forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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