Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
