I think I won the penis lottery.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
