He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
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She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
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I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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