i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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