I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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