Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
