Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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