I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.