can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?