drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!