Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream