he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
