just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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