My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize