be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
