What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
That's intense
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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